Updated June 2, 2004

Humorous Equestrian Definitions

For your education and amusement, here are some updated definitions
of common equestrian terms.

Auction
A popular, social gathering where you can change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset.

Barn Sour
An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly.

Big Name Trainer
Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's college funds and their IRAs to support them, as they have a direct link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges).

Bolt
To gulp feed usually occurs with sandwiches at half-hour holds.

Bran
A wheat by-product occasionally fed moistened to horses, most usually applied as spackle or stucco on owner.

Colic
The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows.

Contracted Foot
The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.

Cribbing
The vice of chewing your pencils while worrying as you figuring cost of next year's hay.

Endurance Ride
The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.

Equitation
The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his way around a show ring.

Feed
Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure.

Fences
Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).

Flea-bitten
A condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also own dogs and cats.

Flies
The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.

Founder
1.) The discovery of your loose mare, some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield, as in "Hey, honey, I found'er." 2.) A condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner.

Gallop
The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn.

Gates
Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.

Green Broke
The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the Big Name Trainer.

Grooming
The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to one's own body.

Grooms
Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills.

Hay
A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.

Head Shy
A reluctance to use the public restrooms at any horse event.

Heaves
The act of unloading a truckful of hay.

Hobbles
Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.

Hock
The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.

Hoof Pick
Useful, curbed metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoes.

Horse Trailer
Expensive movable urinal for horses (and occasionally riders).

Horseshoes
Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw.

Jumping
The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.

Lameness
The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.

Longeing
A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose making the owner spin in circles, rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.

Manure Spreader
Horse traders.

Mustang
The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite one for... preferably in a red convertible and V-8.

Overreaching
A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of endurance/show season.

Pinto
A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean grey horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes.

Pony
The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via transported semen... that was advertised as 15 hands tall.

Proud Flesh
The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present.

Quarter Cracks
The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses.

Quitter
A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.

Race
What your heart does when you see the vet bill.

Reins
Break-away leather device used to tie horses with.

Ringworms
Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows.

Saddle
An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, and all feature built-in ejector seats.

Splint
An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of ways between a horse and his passenger.

Tack Room
A room where every item necessary to work with or train your horse has been put, in a place which it cannot be found in less than 30 minutes.

Twisted Gut
The feeling deep inside that most riders get before competing.

Versatility
An owner's ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon.

Vet Catalog
An illustrated brochure provided to stable owners that features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped from a company's inventory.

Whip Marks
The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider, caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging branch go (also caused by a wet or dry horse tail across the face while cleaning hooves).

Withers
The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.

Zoo
The typical atmosphere around most horse owners' houses before a horse show.